#Hashtag #Literally #Annoyed

Here's a  really nice thing about me - I never get worked up over viral Internet fads. You want to dance Gangnam-Style in a club, Harlem shake with your colleague or plank your muthaf**cking face in the middle of the Orchard Road? More power to you amigos~

But web lingo? That shit drives me plain crazy. Take the word "obsessed". Once upon a time, it was awesome word. Potent. Menacing, even. More importantly, it was reserved for when you were passionate about something to the point of being a little loony - basically, when you were  actually obsessed.  It's the same with the word "literally". For something to be described as literal, it has to be exactly, unexaggeratedly true. So if my blood was literally boiling right now, I'd be dead. The other day, however, I overheard a conversation between two girls that (quite possibly literally) brought my blood pressure up by ten points.

Chirpy girl #1 : "OMG! I'm so obsessed with adding pesto to my salad"
Chirpy girl #2 : "Totally agree, that is literally the best salad dressing ever!"

Now, HOLD THAT UP. Unless Chirpy Girl #1 thinks about pesto every waking moment of her day, I'm pretty sure she's not obsessed. And come on, Chirpy Girl #2, let's not even argue about pesto being the best dressing ever - I mean, everyone knows sun-dried tomato wins any day.

My point is, no one just "likes" anything anymore. Appreciating anything, even slightly  requires you to be obsessed. In fact, scour the Interweb and you'll realize  that about 10 tweets a minutes are hashtagged #literallyobsessed about the most frivolous things - think eggs Benedict and fluffy pillows.

And on that note, hashtagging has suddenly become de facto web lingo - even Facebook has caught on. These days, no one uploads a photo Instagram with a cute succinct caption anymore - now you've got to include hashtags with every damn possible adjective you can think of. Apples are now captioned #breakfast #delicious #red #fruit, etc etc. It makes my head hurt.

And while I know that most this lingo is just bad English and innocent hyperhole. I'm beginning to think there's a sneaky undercurrent of one-upmanship right below the surface. Say your friend puts up a picture of a new pizza parlour in town, captioned "Loving the pepperoni slices at this joint!" All you've got to do is shoot back a snappy "Obsessed!" and you've not only shown her how much more you like the place, you've also declared that trumping her pithy adoration, you have successfully moved into full-blown mania.

And that little hashtags #thehighlife along with the picture of your new heels? Just a gentle  reminder to your social circle that those pumps may looks plain, but they're designer.

Enough is enough, people - let's stop with these exaggerated declaration and the online display of affections for yesterday's lunch. After all, I'm pretty sure the Chirpy Girl duo wouldn't literally want to eat pesto in their every day of their lives right?

It's time we went back to calling a spade and telling it like it is, I propose a sweeping ban unnecessary hashtags, literally non-literal statements and the word "obsessed". Because, believe me unless you've thought about something so much that you turned into a full-page rant in a magazine. I'm literally sure you're not #obsessed with it...