1. Someone else’s significant other.
You would think this goes without saying, but it’s surprising just
how many people can’t seem to get this when in the heat of the moment
and presented with a sexy
little piece who just happens to be attached. The desire can be
overwhelming, and you can even manage to convince yourself that their
current SO isn’t good for them or isn’t what they really need but
SPOILER ALERT: That isn’t your choice to make. If they are really
unhappy in their relationship, it’s up to them to do the decent thing
and get themselves out of it before they go frolicking through the
genitalia forest with impunity. Nothing good comes from being the Other
Person, and it makes you kind of a terrible person (
no matter how good
the sex is.)
2. Your roommate.
Do not, I repeat, do not, bone the roommate. I have witnessed more
than a generous handful of otherwise-copacetic living situations devolve
into a cess pool of awkward half-feelings, demi-jealousy, and discreet
handjobs. There is just no way to make a dignified exit when you’re
stuck living with this person through, at the very lease, the end of
your lease. It’s like trying to slam a revolving door — you just can’t
make things as clean and final as you want them to, and you end up
looking ridiculous in the process. The two possible outcomes of a
roommate meets are: you end up happily ever after, and the exchanging of
co-habitating fluids never presents a problem, or one of you has to
move out. There is no alternative. None.
3. The ex it’s never going to work with.
Stop doing this. Yes, it’s easy. Yes, it’s convenient. Yes, you guys
know what the other one likes. Yes, there is a spicy bit of complicated
feelings to make the whole thing feel passionate and fresh, when really
it’s just two exes having sex in the back of a Civic parked out by the
movie theater. But these are not valid reasons to keep stretching out
the already-awful “let’s stop hurting each other process” and making the
blurry lines between the two of you even more… moist. Best to just
leave them in the past where they belong, at least until you can think
of more constructive things to do as “friends” than unlawful fornication.
4. Someone who isn’t that into you.
Man, doesn’t it feel great when you’re with someone, and you can tell
that they consider the act of sleeping with you to be a huge favor to
you? You know, when you’re really, really into them and all they seem to
be is vaguely bothered by your desire for their affection in return?
It’s just awesome when you can feel them trying to disengage themselves
from the bed the second the actual sex is over, lest you interpret
their post-coital spooning for an indication of deeper feelings. It’s
maybe the best feeling ever, honestly.
5. Someone you’re not that into.
Yeah, never do this to anyone else. It’s the worst.
6. The person you’re trying to break up with.
If there is something more oppressive to the human spirit than the
act of sleeping with someone who you have not yet found the courage to
break up with, I don’t want to be aware of it. It’s just like, how much
more cruel can you be? How much more empty or deceptive of a physical
act could there be? It’s basically the emotional equivalent of having
sex with a corpse, only more damaging and awful. I’m shuddering just
thinking about it, honestly. Let’s all collectively vow never to go
there again, for the betterment of humanity.
7. Your boss.
This is a bad idea. You know it’s a bad idea, and you still kind of
want to do it anyway when the opportunity presents itself because, come
on, that shit is like some terrible erotic novel. You’re ready to get
yourself into some
50 Shades shit and start
knocking boots over on the Xerox in accounts receivable. But it’s just a
bad idea, and nothing good will come of it. Come on, you know that.
8. Your friend’s ex.
There is a code in life. I don’t adhere to all of the individual
rules personally, but I know there are certain ones that should not be
transgressed — and sleeping with the ex of a friend is amongst the
crimes that deserve the social version of the death penalty. If the
friend is not 100 percent over the ex, if you have not spoken with your
friend about this openly and obtained his or her approval beforehand,
and if you don’t handle everything with the utmost respect, you are
basically a real-life Disney villain. And even then, tread with caution.